~ Journal of a Malkavian Vampire ~

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This journal is the sole property of Dr. John Necessitor)



Dr. Necessitor stared into the fireplace. He shifted his body in the black leather chair, his gaze never leaving the roaring flames. "Things can not continue as they are," he said out loud to no one. He almost added another comment, but instead grit his teeth at the phrase that meant something one way - but it was nowhere near what he meant. "Doesn't matter," escaped his lips instead. Sighing heavily, he knew what had to be done.

He stood up abruptly and grabbed his jacket off the couch perpendicular to the chair he was seated in. He shrugged the jacket on and turned from the fireplace. "It's time things changed," he growled angrily.

Inhaling, then exhaling deeply, he calmed himself. He turned and looked back at the fire, the consuming flames, and sighed heavily. "I have to leave." He then turned and headed for the door.


A drink for the horror that I'm in, for the good guys,
And the bad guys, for the monsters that I've been.
Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy...

Through it all how could you cry for me?
'Cos I don't feel bad about it.
So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye. Remember though, goodbye is not forever.

The hardest part was the awful things that I'd seen...
Now it doesn't even matter.


He felt like his head was going to explode.....literally....the pressure of the blood snaking up his jugular veins was most interesting. Oddly his face felt hot. He started to feel hot all over, almost as if some imaginary fire started to play on his flesh. I slow grin curled his lips at the image of translucent flames encompassing him, danced in his mind.

Cold. In a word. Cold in his frame of mind.

Like the translucent flames, many semi-transparent thoughts overlapped each other, like a handful of Pyrex puzzle pieces tossed into a glass container.

He took in a deep breath and sighed. His mind touched on other thoughts, not good thoughts. He knew he had to fucking break free from all the shit in his head, at least for tonight. 


2.10.09 (a little later) 
Aw, what a shame...nobody around for me to "play" with. *evil grin*


You are just a sad song with nothing to say.....
.....and I am an idiot.

The Vampire pushed those thoughts from his head and pondered what a young man had told him yesterday. "Don't stop writing. When you have a story going, don't put it on hold. When you have an idea, get right to it."

The man was right, of course sometimes stories got put on hold for one reason or another, but lately....the Vampire sighed.

He was definitely set up now....all new tunes on his site, and the volume control all the way up. The writing seemed to flow when he listened to loud rock music from his headphones. "I think I'll write about Daniel," he said with a grin. "It's been a long time since I've mentioned him." The grin faded a bit as he thought what he'd write next - nobody would see that - not for a while anyway. He sighed heavily and went to task.


You've been folderized! *smirk*


"Who cares," he thought. "Who cares." He actually thought he did. He wanted to check on those places to check on those people, but when it got right down to it......he didn't care, nor did he check. "Is it that easy not to care?" he pondered for a moment. "Yes, sometimes it is," he answered himself. "Sometimes it is." 


Another chapter closes, another chapter done. Such a variety of chapters on such a variety of intensities. Been a lot of chapters - some open from so long ago they still haunt me. That one, I think of her now - still close - will always be close. I think how strong she is, and sometimes she .......thinks things of me, because yeah, in the end - she could use some help, yet sometimes I'm just not there for her - probably self-absorbed, yeah, most likely. WTF? I AM self-absorbed and selfish - not a big fucking secret, but yeah - I get her point.

Maybe she doesn't realize how fucking........ah.....I've got no words. No words for what she's said, for what she thinks. I know how much she cares for me - but I also know THOSE things - and yeah, sometimes it hurts.


Thinking of flaming bridges and bowling balls and broken glass - and I have been all day.


4.14.09 (much later)
Thinking chapters again. Hopefully another one is closed as of 9:39 am this morning. What's funny is I didn't think she realized what I was doing (or wasn't doing) - have to grin now. Chapters/Doors/Bridges/Bowling Balls/Broken Glass. Well, I'll know in a few days if I've been able to lock this door and not look back.

*sigh* There is that one door I cannot close until another one opens. That's gonna be a tough lock to pick, but I have faith in myself (at the moment).


Some people are so fucking inconsiderate. Where the FUCK is my silver hammer?!


The Vampire closed his eyes and leaned his head back in the black leather chair. He sighed heavily. He slowly opened his eyes; they shifted to the fireplace. The sanguine and sunset colored flames licked up the stone insides of the hearth. He seemed to always find himself here when reflecting. "Odd," he thought. He didn't even remember walking here, yet here he was.

His mind went to the past weekend. "Wow, what a fuck up," he grumbled to himself. It seemed like from Friday night to the present had been a month's worth of time. Growling under his breath he thought of something else. "I was robbed," he growled to no one. "Ah fuck it...she's still there, and I have plenty of time. Just have to deal with formalities first. Business first, then pleasure." Upon saying the word pleasure his lips curled up in an evil grin. He could almost feel his hands around her throat now. He sighed heavily again, though this time a grin graced his lips.

He stood up and shot a look at the fireplace once more before turning and exiting the library.


The Vampire went to the wooden stairs and climbed higher. I didn't make sense to him that the beast would hide somewhere other than the bowels of the tree, but he had to look anyway. After checking several other floors he made his way to the very top of the structure. He had only been here once. The balcony had a steel metal grating. There was a waist-high glass wall around it, topped with a metal bar. He could look out over miles from up here. He glanced down. It was a far drop. Suddenly his mind was filled with dark thoughts. Black-oily thoughts. He slammed his eyes shut and grit his teeth so hard he thought they would break. "No," he cursed at it. Taking in a deep breath, then exhaling he slowly opened his eyes, his jaw still clenched. Then a sudden peacefulness washed over him. He relaxed his jaw and glanced downward again. A slow grin curled his lips. With ease he climbed up on top of the wall, balancing gingerly on the curved metal bar. His grin widened. He knew a strong wind was coming.

The Vampire looked to the ground below. It was a long way down. A long way. The tall grass was parted with a concrete walkway, there were no flowers to speak of. He slowly raised his arms out to his sides, like an airplane...a slight grin on his face. "If I'm careful, I can turn around," he thought to himself. He imaged falling backward, his face looking to the dark sky as he sailed downward. He knew if he aimed properly, the back of his head would connect with the concrete walkway and split it open like a melon. He suddenly inhaled, then exhaled jaggedly....in anticipation....in relief.

He closed his eyes again for a moment, the image of crimson spreading to the edges of the walk and into the grass dominated his mind. "Ahhh..." he sighed, with the slightest of grins.

His eyes opened once again, and a look of determination took his features. Very carefully, very slowly he slid his feet along the curved bar, stories up from the ground. He managed to gingerly twist himself around and now was looking out at the top of the roof, his back to the ground far below.


He had listened to "Not Meant for Me" way too many times, and would have continued to listen to it had he not finished updating what he needed to update. The Vampire stood up, walked around his desk, and left his office, locking the door securely behind him. That dagger was still on the corner of his desk. He tried to block it from his mind but knew eventually he'd have to hold it tightly in his grasp once again.

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